seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
