I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
