my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
