i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
