I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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