My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you will always have a special place in my vag
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
