and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
