I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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