got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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