Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
