Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
