I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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