Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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