I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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