i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
