officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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