I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
