Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
