anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
