This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
