walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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