the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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