i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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