wake up i wanna do it froggy style
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
