she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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