pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
