i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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