I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
