she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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