A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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