By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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