i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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