I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
a search helicopter?!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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