My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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