you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
