I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
