And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
