Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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