Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
