Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
