I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
