John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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