Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
