And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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