Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
