fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
