I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
