Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
