You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
