omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
