I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
