if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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