A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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