You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
