she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
