I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
