somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize