LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize